I'm feeling melancholy. There seems to be so many things left undone in my life, yet I lack the ability to make decisions on which way to proceed. Sadness and anxiety lurk within me. Sleep is erratic with uncomfortable dreams that are filled with difficult happenings.
My younger cousin is dying. My aunt asked me if I wanted to speak to her on the phone a couple of weeks ago and I said no. I didn't want to talk because I didn't have the the words inside me. Now I am ashamed. Each night as I try to sleep, the thoughts of death and losing loved ones crops up and fills me with feelings of fear and helplessness. Am I also worried about my own mortality? I guess so, but I always thought I was above worrying about myself. I am realizing that the need to survive is embedded and maybe even uncontrollable.
Lovey
