I wonder if I have a genetic predisposition to need to see least one good snow a year. The closest I have come lately is to surf for pictures on the internet. I download them to my desktop and my screensaver so that I can at least pretend to have a true winter experience.
Let it snow!!!!!!!!!
Lovey
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
I Wan't Drinking Last Night
No. I wasn't drinking last night. And last night I wasn't kidding either. I am used to fixing things myself, and when I see danger I begin to take note of my options. The army (or corps) sounded like a good idea after the week I had.
Today I was back to the grind. Lots to do at work and lots of feelings to keep soothed. Ahh, the life of a peacemaker. We don't allow our feelings much outlet time, so we must be dreamers who tell ourselves that we can walk away any time we want. With that private notion, most things are endurable.
Lovey
Today I was back to the grind. Lots to do at work and lots of feelings to keep soothed. Ahh, the life of a peacemaker. We don't allow our feelings much outlet time, so we must be dreamers who tell ourselves that we can walk away any time we want. With that private notion, most things are endurable.
Lovey
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
I Want To Join The Army
I'm hoping my anxiety medicine kicks in soon. I really need some calm in my life. After the last few days, I'm as edgy as a cat.
When I get like this I start looking around for changes. Instead of trying to calm myself, I can't stop myself from dreaming up diversions. I want to move out of the state. I want to change churches. I want to quit doing everything I'm doing now. I want to change jobs. The last one is a constant. I've never been content in a job. So tonight I went to the Army Corps of Engineers site and set up my resume. Just a little tweeking and I can post it. One push of the button and I could be called to be a part of the military. Well, almost the military.
I called my son and told him what I was doing. No reaction. He just said, "good idea." He works for the corps now and answers to a real life General. I always fancied that in my younger days I would have been great in basic training. I'm so good at obeying rules. I would have probably cried, but I was strong and fairly athletic. Now, thinking about being a part of an organization that values action and order makes me think I might even be able to do a push-up.
What would I do if they did call? I'd go.
Lovey
When I get like this I start looking around for changes. Instead of trying to calm myself, I can't stop myself from dreaming up diversions. I want to move out of the state. I want to change churches. I want to quit doing everything I'm doing now. I want to change jobs. The last one is a constant. I've never been content in a job. So tonight I went to the Army Corps of Engineers site and set up my resume. Just a little tweeking and I can post it. One push of the button and I could be called to be a part of the military. Well, almost the military.
I called my son and told him what I was doing. No reaction. He just said, "good idea." He works for the corps now and answers to a real life General. I always fancied that in my younger days I would have been great in basic training. I'm so good at obeying rules. I would have probably cried, but I was strong and fairly athletic. Now, thinking about being a part of an organization that values action and order makes me think I might even be able to do a push-up.
What would I do if they did call? I'd go.
Lovey
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
It is over
Susan died Saturday morning. She was so very sick, but did not want to die on the January birthdays of her daughter or uncle. On Friday night her mother told her that all she had to do was make it past midnight. Georgetta Susan Walker Perry passed away at 8:30, Saturday morning, January 3, 2009. She leaves behind a husband, three children and four grandchildren. She was forty-nine.
I did go see her seven days prior. When I walked in she was lying in the living room in a bed hospice had provided. She was moaning and asking her husband of 32 years to hold her. Her face was so drawn that her teeth protruded like someone in a concentration camp. Her little legs hung out from under her gown, but she said she was hot and did not want them covered. The only way she was able to take any liquid was through a small dropper. Her husband used the dropper to drip morphine into her mouth every 30 minutes. I spoke to her about when we were little girls and about how we loved to read to each other. In a barely audible voice she said, "I still love to read."
They cremated her body and we had a memorial service for her today. Everyone looked dazed. My cousin Kevin spoke about his older sister. He didn't talk about her being a good person or how much he would miss her. He talked about how strong she was. And no one disagreed. Susan died in the same county where she had lived most of her life. She died by a window that looked out over a country road where horse and buggies trot by every few minutes. She died as she had lived, without complaint. Susan was a very strong woman who knew that her life would soon be over and she went through the process of dying with great strength and dignity.
Dear Susan,
Memories of you are flying through my mind and tonight I am crying for you. I pray you rest in peace.
Love always,
Janice
I did go see her seven days prior. When I walked in she was lying in the living room in a bed hospice had provided. She was moaning and asking her husband of 32 years to hold her. Her face was so drawn that her teeth protruded like someone in a concentration camp. Her little legs hung out from under her gown, but she said she was hot and did not want them covered. The only way she was able to take any liquid was through a small dropper. Her husband used the dropper to drip morphine into her mouth every 30 minutes. I spoke to her about when we were little girls and about how we loved to read to each other. In a barely audible voice she said, "I still love to read."
They cremated her body and we had a memorial service for her today. Everyone looked dazed. My cousin Kevin spoke about his older sister. He didn't talk about her being a good person or how much he would miss her. He talked about how strong she was. And no one disagreed. Susan died in the same county where she had lived most of her life. She died by a window that looked out over a country road where horse and buggies trot by every few minutes. She died as she had lived, without complaint. Susan was a very strong woman who knew that her life would soon be over and she went through the process of dying with great strength and dignity.
Dear Susan,
Memories of you are flying through my mind and tonight I am crying for you. I pray you rest in peace.
Love always,
Janice
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Melancholy
I'm feeling melancholy. There seems to be so many things left undone in my life, yet I lack the ability to make decisions on which way to proceed. Sadness and anxiety lurk within me. Sleep is erratic with uncomfortable dreams that are filled with difficult happenings.
My younger cousin is dying. My aunt asked me if I wanted to speak to her on the phone a couple of weeks ago and I said no. I didn't want to talk because I didn't have the the words inside me. Now I am ashamed. Each night as I try to sleep, the thoughts of death and losing loved ones crops up and fills me with feelings of fear and helplessness. Am I also worried about my own mortality? I guess so, but I always thought I was above worrying about myself. I am realizing that the need to survive is embedded and maybe even uncontrollable.
Lovey
My younger cousin is dying. My aunt asked me if I wanted to speak to her on the phone a couple of weeks ago and I said no. I didn't want to talk because I didn't have the the words inside me. Now I am ashamed. Each night as I try to sleep, the thoughts of death and losing loved ones crops up and fills me with feelings of fear and helplessness. Am I also worried about my own mortality? I guess so, but I always thought I was above worrying about myself. I am realizing that the need to survive is embedded and maybe even uncontrollable.
Lovey
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Why I Like Convenience Stores
Today I was asked why I like convenience stores. It just so happens that my feelings for convenience stores are layered and not as simple as one can imagine.
First of all, I have lived most of my life in a hurry. When I was a little girl I tried to finish my tests before everyone else in my classroom. I doubt anyone cared if I finished first, but to me it seemed like the thing to do. Later, I couldn't wait for my kids to eat solid food and potty train. And it has always irritated me when I have to wait on someone more than 5 minutes. There better be a really good excuse for that infraction. I don't like lines, traffic, or procrastinators, but I do I love to hear some say, "let's get it done."
The need for speed is probably a by-product of my mother's constant requirement of walking fast, not wasting time, and don't lean when you can clean attitude. If you were caught lounging at my house, you were promptly handed a dust cloth or a pair of hedge clippers. Then there was my dad. I think he invented wanderlust as I know he seldom spent much time in one place. He was constantly wanting to go somewhere - anywhere. He was gone a lot. And when he "was home" we all went a lot - fast Sunday rides, fast trips across country, and we moved often - sometimes 3-4 times a year. When we were in a car there was a clock ticking measuring how fast we would reach our destination. And not wanting to lose time we made quick stops at various conveniences stores like Toot 'n Tell, Stop 'n Go, or the 7 Eleven. The second reason we went to convenience markets is that they sold beer. Yes, I know that it is wrong to drink and drive, but it was the 50s and 60s and people weren't real smart in those days. So, with beer calling Dad's name, my brother and I would follow him in to the market like a couple of baby ducks and go on our shopping spree. I always stopped off at the comic book stand hoping Dad would ask if I wanted the latest Archie comic book. He seldom did, so I usually had to be really brave, pick one out and ask for it directly. He never turned me down, so looking back, I don't know why I worried so much about asking. My younger brother ALWAYS got a bag of chips and a bottle of pop (yes, we were originally from the midwest and said pop). When we got back in the car my brother and I would take a few sips of Pepsi and then ask Mom to hold the bottles. We were allowed to be lazy in the car. Then we were off until someone had to pee, got thirsty again, etc. etc.
Anyway, this brings me back to the convenience store. Do I just like it for nostalgic reasons? No. There is more. Because I like speed, I love that I can get in and get out. And what an array of items they have! The other day I stopped in one of the new high-tech convenience stores and had such a good experience, I told the clerk. She didn't get it. The colors were bright, the signage made me want to buy, and I was thrilled that they had everything. You may say - not everything. Well, you are wrong. At 6:00 am I could buy a hotdog and a thighmaster. And they are marketing geniuses. My dad would be ecstatic if he could look through blue tinted glass at the beer closet all iced up. Cases of cans with 5' cardboard polar bears standing by the stacks. And if you need medication, no problem. Want a cappuccino, a box of kleenex, windshield wipers, a rental movie, and a fake silk rose for a lover? It is there along with a wide assortment of t-shirts, broasted potatos, beef jerky, and spring water for the more upscale shopper. And best of all, you can be in and out in less than 5 minutes. No nasty lines or self check-out. Just some cigarette smoking, tired individual waiting to serve. It doesn't get much better for me.
Lovey
First of all, I have lived most of my life in a hurry. When I was a little girl I tried to finish my tests before everyone else in my classroom. I doubt anyone cared if I finished first, but to me it seemed like the thing to do. Later, I couldn't wait for my kids to eat solid food and potty train. And it has always irritated me when I have to wait on someone more than 5 minutes. There better be a really good excuse for that infraction. I don't like lines, traffic, or procrastinators, but I do I love to hear some say, "let's get it done."
The need for speed is probably a by-product of my mother's constant requirement of walking fast, not wasting time, and don't lean when you can clean attitude. If you were caught lounging at my house, you were promptly handed a dust cloth or a pair of hedge clippers. Then there was my dad. I think he invented wanderlust as I know he seldom spent much time in one place. He was constantly wanting to go somewhere - anywhere. He was gone a lot. And when he "was home" we all went a lot - fast Sunday rides, fast trips across country, and we moved often - sometimes 3-4 times a year. When we were in a car there was a clock ticking measuring how fast we would reach our destination. And not wanting to lose time we made quick stops at various conveniences stores like Toot 'n Tell, Stop 'n Go, or the 7 Eleven. The second reason we went to convenience markets is that they sold beer. Yes, I know that it is wrong to drink and drive, but it was the 50s and 60s and people weren't real smart in those days. So, with beer calling Dad's name, my brother and I would follow him in to the market like a couple of baby ducks and go on our shopping spree. I always stopped off at the comic book stand hoping Dad would ask if I wanted the latest Archie comic book. He seldom did, so I usually had to be really brave, pick one out and ask for it directly. He never turned me down, so looking back, I don't know why I worried so much about asking. My younger brother ALWAYS got a bag of chips and a bottle of pop (yes, we were originally from the midwest and said pop). When we got back in the car my brother and I would take a few sips of Pepsi and then ask Mom to hold the bottles. We were allowed to be lazy in the car. Then we were off until someone had to pee, got thirsty again, etc. etc.
Anyway, this brings me back to the convenience store. Do I just like it for nostalgic reasons? No. There is more. Because I like speed, I love that I can get in and get out. And what an array of items they have! The other day I stopped in one of the new high-tech convenience stores and had such a good experience, I told the clerk. She didn't get it. The colors were bright, the signage made me want to buy, and I was thrilled that they had everything. You may say - not everything. Well, you are wrong. At 6:00 am I could buy a hotdog and a thighmaster. And they are marketing geniuses. My dad would be ecstatic if he could look through blue tinted glass at the beer closet all iced up. Cases of cans with 5' cardboard polar bears standing by the stacks. And if you need medication, no problem. Want a cappuccino, a box of kleenex, windshield wipers, a rental movie, and a fake silk rose for a lover? It is there along with a wide assortment of t-shirts, broasted potatos, beef jerky, and spring water for the more upscale shopper. And best of all, you can be in and out in less than 5 minutes. No nasty lines or self check-out. Just some cigarette smoking, tired individual waiting to serve. It doesn't get much better for me.
Lovey
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Things I Really Like
Things I really like - not to be confused with things I really love.
Flat land
Cold bed pillows
Convenience stores
Stretching
Driving in the countryside
Simple jewelry
The internet
The Weather Channel
Maps
Sangria
Listening to books
Pictures of houses
Macaroni and cheese
The sound of water flowing
Lovey
Flat land
Cold bed pillows
Convenience stores
Stretching
Driving in the countryside
Simple jewelry
The internet
The Weather Channel
Maps
Sangria
Listening to books
Pictures of houses
Macaroni and cheese
The sound of water flowing
Lovey
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